Say it

Communication is a manager’s most important skill: we’re getting work done through other people, and if we’re not clear and direct about what we want, we can’t expect other people to give it to us.

The problem comes when what we want is to not be uncomfortable.

Managers hedge, hide, avoid or deny because we’re afraid that if we speak clearly, other people will react in ways that threaten us. They’ll rage, they’ll cry, they’ll argue, they’ll say terrible things about us to everyone they know… I remember as a new manager being terrified that if I gave an employee a bad review, she’d actually come to work the next day with a gun. I went ahead with the review, and she was angry. The next few days were no fun for either of us. But there was no gun: and once I got some distance on my fear, I realized that I wasn’t really worried she would kill me. I was worried that telling her something she didn’t want to hear, and her potential response to it, would be uncomfortable for us both.

It is uncomfortable. That’s why many people — even those who have good management skills in other ways — don’t do it. But here’s the bottom line: if you are a manager, it’s your responsibility to say the hard things that need to be said. Clearly. In plain language. So that people have the information they need to decide how to feel and what to do.

I’m writing this today because of Bob Sutton’s recent post about layoffs. It’s timely: we’re all thinking about job security in these days when the news is full of companies announcing “rightsizing” and “streamlining” and (from a commenter on Sutton’s post) “offboarding” (excuse me while I just go throw up a little).

When you’re managing and leading people, please don’t use this ridiculous language. Please don’t put a layer of pretense over the very hard, real thing that is happening to real human beings, just because you think it might make it easier. It doesn’t: it makes it worse. No good manager ever dehumanizes herself or anyone else this way.

If you have to lay someone off, I recommend you say some version of this: “John, I have some hard news. I’m laying you off. I’m very sorry to lose you. I want to explain to you why the company is laying people off, and I want go over the severance package with you. Do you need some time before we do that?”

And then answer John’s questions if he has them. If he cries, or pleads for his job, or calls you names, or storms out and slams the door, deal with it as professionally and humanely as you can. And do not ever for an instant pretend to yourself or to John that this is “rightsizing,” or that it should be easy.

Please resist with all your might the temptation to explain that this is really, really hard for you. Please don’t ask him to understand how tough it is to lay someone off. He’s busy dealing with how hard it is for him to lose his job, and it’s not his responsibility to make you feel better.

It’s not about you. You may be feeling sad, frightened or like a monster, but this conversation is not about you and how you feel. So be the most excellent manager you can be. Be brave. Be clear. Say it: and then do whatever you can, with compassion and respect, to help John make the decisions he must make. Be willing to be uncomfortable. That’s what good managers do.